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Old 01-20-2018, 03:02 PM
Slowpokeking Slowpokeking is offline

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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
I generally don't do this anymore; but since I happen to be extremely bored tonight, I made some notes on your story.

As the primary comment on the first scene, be careful about cramming too much into one sentence. Music teachers often warn about the counterintuitive tendency to play fast passages too fast and slow passages too slow, which occurs because the energy of the song overtakes you. Writing is much the same way. When the action is moving fast, the energy of the scene pushes you to throw out information as quickly as possible; but you end up stumbling over yourself because it's coming too fast. This is why it's a good idea to go back and read things you've written out loud: it really helps to get the flow working. If you notice, thrillers tend to use short, simple sentences to keep the tension up.

Second, there was a spot near the beginning when you said "Jade Forest" really close together. It gets redundant.

The second scene is much better -- aside from a few cases of present tense. My main criticism is why you chose to end the scene -- to say nothing of the story -- at the place you did. What's the point of Vaorne being rescued by what I presume are old friends if we don't find out what they've been up to? Why does our Sin'dorei warlock look so tired?

At the very least, it would be helpful to end the scene at the punchline. Extending things into the failed laugh makes it feel like there's supposed to be more.
Why did you stop to do it? Your advice is usually very helpful.
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