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Old 05-21-2013, 05:34 PM
DarkAngel DarkAngel is offline

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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Northwest Ohio
Posts: 560
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I'm baaack! With my latest educational escapade over with, I once again have time to look things over on this forum. First up, a long-overdue favor for an old friend.

The Long Road to Quel'thalas

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bolvar View Post
He looked me square in the eye (which he almost never does), and spoke, “Listen very carefully
Reading Ori much?

Ah, the perils of messing with history. I love discussions on the subject, though I'm not sure why.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bolvar View Post
Shit. I hate when he has a point.
Present tense implies Hollus is alive as of writing.
  • The anxiety was overwhelming, and after a while, I mentally shouted

It's true we know virtually nothing of the Arathorian Empire, but Tarren Mill and Andorhol probably didn't exist that far back. At the very least, they weren't called by those names. Settlements can be abandoned and reoccupied multiple times the timescale we're talking about here. However, you need places to mention, and these have the virtue of marking known locations.
  • But marching thirty people through leagues
  • were it not for their striking features: tall, lean builds, long blonde
  • Is this the last one, then?”

Watch how many time you begin a sentence with 'but.' I let it slide in dialogue (punctuation indicates inflection and cadence), doing it in the narration is a no-no.
  • I was traveling north with four other students

The Long Road to Quel'thalas

Quote:
There’s no reasoning with the trolls – they want nothing more than to drive the Elves to extinction and reclaim their homeland.”
Your dash usage seems unusual to me. I'm not going to call it "wrong" because there really is no agreed upon set of accepted uses.
  • know they were coming a good ten seconds before
  • some perspective for you: all of your not new sentence
  • “The trolls outnumber them forty to one.
  • I feel like I could walk ten miles from here
Old School
  • how his father would never leave his barony so poorly defended.
  • “I already know how to read,” she replied.
  • “Tell me, Mr. Braddock, what talent do you have?”
  • “You don’t need to be so mean about it,” Celindra spoke.
  • “A similar concept is employed by certain shadow priests
  • Hollus didn’t come bursting forth from the astral plane to object, I figured I was okay. It's a real word.
  • I walked up to the topmost rock, and bored a small hole

The Road Home
  • They’d been hidden in the woods about a hundred yards south,
  • he lives another thirty years in a vegetative state.
  • for at least the next five years after he crosses the time rift.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bolvar View Post
“I’m going with him,” said James, “Lord Braddock, see that Simon’s family is rewarded for his gallantry.”
Isn't James "Lord Braddock?" Lord Barov was in charge of Caer Darrow.

Shadrach's characterization as an impulsive screw-up sure does land him in trouble. In any case, I'm sorry I didn't read these sooner. Keep up the great work!
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