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Old 01-12-2017, 02:50 PM
Commander Rotal Commander Rotal is offline

Sha of Disappointment
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 13,095

Crossed Swords (War2)

Let's talk about Lasers!

Estrogen is apparently one hell of a drug (i wouldn't know; i'm still waiting to get my therapist's approval; more to that later) but one thing it does NOT do is get rid of your facial hair.
Some girls get lucky with body hair in that it gets lighter, softer and decreases in number but your beard? Giving you the finger.
So basically you have several options if you want to get rid of a beard on an actually permanent or practically-permanent basis; i'm going with Laser because, once it's done, it's going to be permanent. We think. Science didn't have enough time to screw this one up yet but early results look promising.
The way this works is by, basically, cooking your skin with a little laser roughly the size of a supermarket price gun. It's an instant of heat that travels down the hair and grills the base; after a day or two the dead hair base falls out and you're rid of that fucker for good, finger's crossed. Works best with freshly cut hair so come cleanshaven as fuck.
I have just finished eating after comming home from my very first laser hair removal appointment. There's no set number for how many you'll need; it varies widely depending on skin color (works best with light skin), hair color (works best with dark hair), hair density (hurts more the more hair it burns) and your own personal pain resistance. I usually have a decent pain tolerance, seeing how i've been carting around back pains for a year and have accumulated chest pains now as well, plus i used to cut myself during my younger days and don't have that much of an issue with slicing. Laser hair removal, though... well, it's a literal laser fired at your face. Hurts like a motherfucker with the wrong settings which is why a significant amount of time is spent finding the right amount of strength for each region of your face - the denser your hair is, the more painful the procedure is, ergo the lower they have to set it. This pain is supposed to decrease over time as more and more hair get snuffed.
The reason they can't do it all in one go is that (for whatever reasons) it really only works with hair that are growing right now. 'tis a problem because hair works a bit like the enemy conga line in a Tower Defense game; you get one wave of enemies at a time. So while you're offing the first batch of hair during Session 1 you'll have to wait for the second batch to reach their natural growing-cycle by Session 2, which is why every session is spaced out in roughly 6 weeks; my next appointment will be March 2nd or 3rd, i forgot. (It's a Thursday.)
There are options you can opt-in to to decrease the pain; for example, next time i'll give a pain numbing creme a go. Costs a little extra but at this point i'd rather get this over and done with as quickly as possible. And frankly: it's already expensive as fuck, i won't even notice the additional 10 bucks.
See: in Austria, your insurance is not paying for facial hair removal. They kinda sorta want you to shave forever for the rest of your life, ideally twice per day in some girls' cases. I don't really mind the shaving-process but my skin reddens in shaved areas for the entire day so i've got a perpetual red beard-shadow going on. That's unacceptable, so i'll have to bite the bullet and pay for removal myself. All 160 Euro per session.

Sooo, yeah, i'm paying the equivalent of half a pig to get shot in the face but the end result will be worth it. Imagine a tiny but really long knife rammed into your skin. That's what a laser set too high feels like. Frankly: set correctly it doesn't feel much different; it's turning human tissue into ash, it doesn't exactly come as a surprise that it hurts. Doesn't last long either; it's a splitsecond of INTENSE pain but there is no lasting agony; as soon as it's over, it's over (to the point where i feel a bit silly complaining about it at all). My skin IS a bit sore, which is normal (reminder: it got cooked); you're not supposed to get bleached, tanned or just generally do anything interesting to your skin for a few days after the session (shaving is fine) but since i don't do any of that it's not really an issue for me.
I still got some spots that retain the hair that my razor couldn't quite slize off; they're supposed to fall out in a day or two when the body realizes the equipment got hit by a supernova and starts smashing all the buttons rejecting dead cells. I won't notice any real change in hair density or growth until (at the earliest) after the third session, but that's fine. I'm playing the long game.
The entire procedure was over fairly quick, seeing how the face (well, sideburns, mouth area, chin, a bit of the neck and one spot between my eyes) is a comparatively small area when it comes to body hair. I'd be surprised if it was significantly longer than ten minutes.

As for other news: next to this i had a funeral today, and my first visit to the therapist in 2017. It kinda went really well until i asked her how we were doing on that sweet, sweet third and last required paper needed for HRT.
Soooo.... i don't know if there is a miscommunication NOW and she wants me to do significantly less than what i took from it or there was a verbal booboo happening before because i've been very open and blunt about wanting to wait with real life switch to female until, at the very least, the start of the hormone therapy; ideally waiting for six to twelve months after that. Until today this has always been nodded at; today she kinda sorta told me i'll have to do a real life test before. I.... really don't know what to think right now; i'm NOT imagining things, that's a pretty decently sized contradiction going on that i'll have to sort out. Mind you - it's not like i didn't plan to do stuff soon. Even in that very session, before she told me that, i announced that i'm intending to switch sometime this year - depending on when i get the meds either directly from the start of HRT or a while after that, but 2017 is as hard as a pedofile's cock in a nursery. This is happening.

I'm not actually surprised (also not angry, in case you were wondering); i WAS thinking that this was a bit unusual but, as my therapist (and, for that matter, the entire LGBTQABCATTACKHELICOPTER-community) often says: every transition is different, every patient unique, every path, uh, one-pathy. Sorry, ran out of words.
Well, apparently "fuck that", we're doing Real Life Test now before hormones. Great. Just fucking great. Would have been awfully convenient to have known that six months ago, ma'am, might have given me a temporal advantage to mull this over, adjust my plans and maybe start doing shit earlier than i did.
Sorry. Sorry. Venting.

Alright. I'm going to inquire some more info on that one when i'm in a bit of a calmer state of mind; she's only at the office on Thursdays anyway so i got an entire week. Weekend's gonna be chill AF, because sometime in the next few days an internist is going to ram a sensor up my butt to find out where that blood's comming from, and i feel like treating myself to something nice. (Except, i'm broke as fuck, soooo i'm going to treat myself to oatmeal and salad, probably.)

Speaking of being broke; it's not like i sat on my ass for a month doing fuckall in terms of babysteps towards transition. I've decided to wave the voice coach for the time being as the insurance isn't paying for THAT ONE either and i'm already looking at 170 Euros more or less monthly extra payings for the next year (and that's JUST the face...). Now... there's a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel on that one. It's all hush-hush because nobody actually KNOWS and it's just my mother gossiping, but apparently i'm inheriting some money soon. I don't know when, i don't know how much, i don't know if it's actually true; frankly i don't want to think about it because i didn't know my aunt very well and because i was sick like a dead horse the day i was supposed to visit her in the hospital i'm the only potential heir who didn't see her on her death bed so i'd feel like a complete fecal-mattery portion of human waste accepting any inheritance.

I lost my train of thought. Where were we... Death Star, Annakin's Betrayal, Lightsaber... oh yeah, the Droids.

I'm currently having blonde hair. I don't know if i already mentioned this but i always wanted to try blonde and it looks amazing. Plus the bald edges get some camoflage so my receeding 30-year-old-male's widow's peak hairline isn't as immediately noticeable as it used to be. Also got my eyebrows plucked, which A) hurts almost as much as a wrongly adjusted laser but B) has no dial to correct said adjustment, which basically boils down to grinding my teath and almost breaking into tears in front of a stranger working at a hair saloon. It was that kind of day.
More importantly: i'm starting to replace "Commander" with "Veronica" now, just to see how it looks, how it sounds etc. I've been asked multiple times if people should already use it and i've always said no - because Anakin told me it was fine to wait, among other reasons, but.... yeah. I don't know WHEN i'll start with that. I don't want to look like i'm only doing it to get my HRT, except that's totally why i'm doing it earlier, she KNOWS that and, in fact, that's exactly what she wants. I think. Again, i'll sort this out via email; that part of the conversation was kind of an in-between-doors-kinda thing so i didn't quite dig into it too deep; after all, i had a funeral to antend.

Speaking of funeral - in order to not arrive looking like i'm wearing a half-eaten potato sack i decided to be mature to spend a sizeable portion of my christmas double salary jackpot on clothes (and porn, but mostly clothes) and other stuff i needed sort out. While my weightloss journey has devolved into the quivalent of those traps that glue flies to a piece of paper (read: the actual weight losing has more or less stopped) i at least didn't gain anything, and i bought new clothes over ten kilos ago so even the jeans i bought for 130 kg is no longer quite fitting on me. I didn't quite realize just how much fatter my clothes made me until i looked at myself in the mirror with the new ones, though. And those news ones are? Women Pants. Because i'm done with male clothing. Well, except my new coat, because SERIOUSLY FUCK THIS. Weightloss stop or no, i HAVE lost almost 50 kilos, most of that on my own, with my own sweat and hunger, but NOOOOOOoooo, Rotal is still too fat, just now for an entirely new category. I found three really nice pants in my size but everything else (from jackets to shoes) seems to be non-existent in my size as far as female clothing is concerned. Some of the tops i looked at looked kinda nice and would have been in my size but unfortunately, with my body type and lack of even potential boobs (thanks, past-me!*), we're back to the potato sack-scenario with those, so i only tried a single one and it looked awful.

Something like this is more my style anyway.

So, yeah. I'm wearing girl pants now, and i love them. Except for the pockets, because designers are monsters, or idiots, or both, but all three of 'em feature uselessly sized mini-pockets. What gives?
I WOULD wear more female clothing, except, y'know, there IS none in my size without specialty shops (which i visited, which felt kinda awkward, and i SWEAR i got silently judged in the second one) or ordering online without trying shit on. Fuck my life. Also: they're really thin. I do worry about ripping. But they make my butt look.... uh.... well, not "good", not even "okay"... let's go with "enjoyably smaller than the oversized jeans but still too big". That's a good word.

Ah, yeah, that's, uh, that's basically it from me today.

* No, really, thanks Past-Me. My aunt died from cancer, just like my uncle last year. Gynecomastosis carries a much higher-than-usual risk for breast cancer for men; if my family's history is anything to go by my DNA is a ticking time bomb even without that, so.... yeah.

Last edited by Commander Rotal; 01-12-2017 at 03:00 PM..
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