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Old 05-07-2012, 12:12 AM
DreamingGod DreamingGod is offline

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Default The Long Trek to Darkness

THE dawn light filtered through the bars at the top of the prison. Vorthein knew it was to make him uncomfortable, the Twilight’s Hammer was not known for its kindness. They wished to extract information from him about a Highborne artifact, and so far, had been unsuccessful; their repeated attempts at torture had proved useless, for the time, at least. He sat in chains, his gaze down cast to avoid the glare, his dark blue hair hung around his head filthy, and his thoughts drifted to his family, Laryndu, my mate… If only I had listened, he thoughts as he gave a small chuckle which turned into a cough, I wouldn’t be in this mess.

In the shadows, a man began to move, stirred by the small cough. Vorthein could see his eyes beneath the heavy hood and shadows that shrouded him, a distinct tint of fel green burned in his eyes. Vorthein caught his gaze, a low snarl forming in his throat as he realized what this man was.

“Warlock… Seems your vaunted power was useless.” He says, taunting the other man.

“Now, now, Highborne, I’m not your enemy at the moment. Direct your ire elsewhere.” The hooded man said; Vorthein thought he could hear the smirk in the other’s voice, “Now, do you have a name before you begin to berate me in frustration?”

Vorthein chews on his lip, hesitating, “Vorthein Willowbreeze” he says finally sighing, “and who’s ‘accomplished’ presence would I be in?”

The figure stood silent for a long moment, his burning eyes upon Vorthein, seeming to see through him, “Tyielis Bloodfire” he says in a raspy, tired voice. He looks up, dropping his hood; revealing long, pointed ears, and a lined, tired face, his features mark his heritage plain as day; a sin’dorei.

“Horde…” he says, an edge to his voice as he realizes the man is more than a Fel user, but an outright enemy.

“Not quite,” Tyielis says, cutting off Vorthein’s next words, “It would be more accurate to say my allegiance is more… mercurial than that. Ultimately, to myself really.” He says, a tired grin splitting his visage. “Which is why my next offer surprises even myself…”

The kaldorei mage glares at Tyielis, “I won’t accept any of your poisoned offers, sin’dorei, keep it and your words to yourself.” He says, his mouth twisting into a snarl, bearing his fangs.

“Don’t be brash, young kaldorei, or do you wish to see your family again? Your friends? Will you let everything be for naught so that these insane cultists can ruin everything for nothing!” The warlock says, his voice growing in bass rumble with every punctuated word. Tyielis’ gaze burns into Vorthein, the fel fire growing in his eyes as he speaks,.

The kaldorei looks down into the dark, Laryndu? How I wish I could speak with you, love. Images flash in his mind’s eye; a kaldorei woman stands before him, with child, they are making a cradle by hand. They s it close to one another, for going magic to make Thriaa’s crib. He can sees her look at him, smiling brightly, her pale blue skin radiant in the starlight. Elune always smiled on Laryndu.

He sees her again, he’s telling her that he must go away for duty. Into the Firelands.

‘My love, it is something I must do. If the Twilight’s Hammer succeeds there shall be no world left for little Thiraa.’
She stares at him, tears rolling down her face, as she nods, ‘If you must go, do it…. Just come back to me…’ she’s saying as she walks to him, and pulls him down onto the bed, “Do as your love commands…’ she says, in a weak voice, her tears falling upon his chest.

Vorthein sighs, looking into the darkness, his snarl disappeared replaced by a tired frown. He looks off into the corner of the room; Even Orfeoran… He thinks; an image appears to him, He sits at a table with a white haired, ancient kaldorei. They have various books scattered around the simple table, Orfeoran’s cold blue eyes scan a book rapidly as they chat late into the morning, tales of dark things, and theories keep them up. Frightened, intrigued.

The last scene melts away, replaced by the same kaldorei, but this time he is in a cage. Snow falls heavily around him, they are in the cold north, as he screams at them, ‘How have you betrayed me, ‘brother?!’ His heart hurts, seeing his friend as such, but there is nothing he can do, the research took its toll, and the Knights of the Ebon Blade are the only ones that can help their own. He turns his back, Orfeoran screaming unintelligible gibberish at him, as he grasps Laryndu close to him, and they walk away from their friend.

Vorthein looks up at the blood elf, meeting his eyes, “Yes, I want to see them again. I know I will, I’ve been in worse situations…” he says, a tired, but genuine grin graces his face,

He looks around, ten or more Sentinels surround Rorhi, Thriaa, and him. Their back is to the sea. And the Sentinels have glaives and bows pointed at them.

‘Well, no daring escape this time…’ he mumbles to himself, as an ornately armored Sentinel step towards them away from the ring of archers.

“Highborne! Surrender and release Sentinel Thriaa!” she screams in Darnassian

He glances at Thriaa, his then-mate, and smiles at her reassuringly. Rorhi looks over at him, ‘Lad, thi’ girl better be worth ‘t’ the dwarf says gruffly, grinning at him.

HE grins back, nodding, ‘Indeed’ he says simply, ‘I’m sure we’ll make it out of this, we did make it out alive from that demon…’

‘Aye, w’ did.’ Rorhi says, hefting his axe and resting it on his shoulder.

‘If you don’t release her, we shall place three arrows in each of your skulls!’ the Sentinel Captain screams. Rorhi and Vorthein grin at eachother, as the memory fades…

“…but tell me what you will offer, warlock.” Vorthein says finally.

The sin’dorei grins wickedly, “As you are possibly aware, the Twilight’s Hammer is draining our strength from us. I doubt you could muster enough power for a simple spell.” He says, knowingly.

Vorthein nods at the statement, “I figured out after I woke up first, and could not cast a simple cantrip.” He says, flexing a hand looking at it, the pains of addiction and powerlessness gnaws at his insides.

“It is much the same for me. Nothing to do but sit and languish… unless we work together. I do not have my soulshards, but there is something I can do on one condition.” The blood elf says, his voice low and somber, “I need you to deliver a message to my coven. There is pertinent information they must know.”

The kaldorei mage chuckles at the statement, shaking his head, “You can do that yourself, blood elf. After we make it out of here, I am done with friendly conversations with warlocks.” Vorthein says, looking at Tyielis, the blood elf simply shakes his head.

“I won’t be going with you. Only one of us has the chance to get out…” Tyielis says, a tired grin on his face.

The night elf tilts his head, “You mean to tell me you are going to sacrifice yourself to save me? Pardon me if I don’t believe you, what’s the –real- catch?” Vorthein says, scoffing at the warlock.

The pale elf frowns, his lips pursed and his eyes burning, “Do not discount my generosity, kaldorei. If I thought I could make it out myself, I would, but I can still complete my intentions through you. Now. Enough bickering, tell me do you know how to manipulate souls with magic?”

Vorthein blanches, his cheeks darkening in shame as he looks to the side, “I- I‘m familiar with the subject, yes… Explain what it has to do with present circumstances.” He says, his gaze flicking back to the sin’dorei.

With a widening grin, Tyielis begins to laugh deeply, “You’ve delved into Fel magic? Interesting, what was it for, young one?”

“I- it was for my mate… my previous one, I wanted to learn how to bring her back, and it took me to dark places.” He says, “I learned nothing of value… Nothing one should know.”

“Well, well you might have made this easier. As you are probably aware, one can uses souls for power. A quick burst of power… my own is saturated with Fel energy, a tantalizing treat… one which I can teach you how to use. Shall the lessons begin, young kaldorei?”

“I’m listening, warlock… teach me quickly, we won’t have much time.” Vorthein says, reluctant but willing to learn. He sits down, and looks at he grinning blood elf intently.
End of part one. This is the... end? Maybe new begining? Of my old Night Elf mage's story. I RP'd him for a long while on Wrymrest Accord, and all the events in the memories actually happen. When I went on hiatus, and went to SWToR we all decided Vorth disappeared.

Any critique is welcome, as I am fairly new to writing. Thanks all.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
"In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits Dreaming"

"Icrecrown: I hear the natives can be real liches..."
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:12 PM
DarkAngel DarkAngel is offline

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Another new face? Best start with the usual disclaimer.

It's always great to see new faces popping up around here! Just in case you don't know, I've developed a passion for helping aspiring writers improve their craft. Since I've developed a reputation as a tough critic, my polcies are as follows:
  1. My "corrections" are suggestions only. Your work is yours to change or not change as you see fit.
  2. You have the right to demand the reasoning behind any proposed change.
  3. You have the right to decline further review of your posted work at any time.
I'm sensing English is not your first language. That's fine. "Hands-on" is one of the most effective ways to learn. Because of that, I'll start with the basics. Unless you're giving a summary, narratives should always be in the past tense. You fade in and out of this many times.

Second, dialogue should always follow the convention: "It's a beautiful day," he said. The action of speaking is the primary action of the sentence; therefore, the spoken words are considered part of the sentence, even if they form a sentence of their own. That is why the spoken sentence ends with a comma, not a period. It is also why "he said" is not capitalized. However, in keeping with the cardinal rule of English (every rule must have exceptions), the terminal punctuation is preserved in the case of questions and exclaimations. "How did you find me?" he asked.

Originally Posted by DreamingGod View Post
“Horde…” he says, an edge to his voice as he realizes the man is more than a Fel user, but an outright enemy.
There are a number of issues with this sentence that merit pointing out. First, there's the matter of past tense. Be aware, also, that 'he' could refer to both speakers. Reader confusion is to be avoided. I would also ask why 'fel' is capitalized here but nowhere else.
  • make him uncomfortable: the Twilight’s Hammer was not known
  • in chains, his gaze downcast to avoid
  • drifted to his family.
  • If only I had listened, he thought
  • power was useless,” he said, taunting
  • Direct your ire elsewhere,” the hooded man said.
  • in the other’s voice.
  • Vorthein chewed on his lip, hesitating.
  • “Vorthein Willowbreeze,” he said finally
  • see through him. “Tyielis Bloodfire,” he said in a
  • He looked up, dropping his hood, revealing long, pointed ears and a lined, tired face; his features marked his heritage plain as day: a sin’dorei.
You're probably noticing how it's the same issues over and over. However, the complexity of your sentence structures surprises me. Do you have experience at writing? In any case, I'm going to kill myself if I keep hitting you with such a fine-tooth comb.
  • growing in his eyes as he spoke.
  • They sit close to one another, forgoing magic
  • He grinned back, nodding,
I like it. Asside from the superficial things, you have a good grasp of storytelling. I look forward to more, if there is any.
Every ending is but a new beginning.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:00 PM
DreamingGod DreamingGod is offline

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*chuckles* I am, indeed, an native english speaker. Born 'n raised 'n the goo' ole South.

Thank you for complementing the complexity of my sentences, as for tense... well, it probably comes down to writing the first portion during sleep deprivation, and not noticing pesky details such as 'past' 'present' or 'future.' ;P

I shall endeavor to work om that; however, there is more to it, quite a lot more. I just have to kick my ass in to gear.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
"In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits Dreaming"

"Icrecrown: I hear the natives can be real liches..."
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