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  #26  
Old 07-31-2012, 08:08 AM
DarkAngel DarkAngel is offline

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This may be late in coming, but here it is.

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Originally Posted by Immion View Post
The outpost made a very crowded impression given the low number of buildings.
More things getting lost in translation here, I think. Usually, it would be "gave the impression of/that" or "felt/seemed like/as." For some reason, "made a big impression" is the only use of that construction. I'd change to: "The outpost felt very crowded despite the small number of buildings."

Just taught me a new word: caravansary

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Originally Posted by Immion View Post
On his way to Orgrimmar, he had also rested here, but back then the outpost had been all but deserted, which was the state that Kerag had preferred to encounter on his way back into the Barrens as well.
Another good example of too much in one sentence. Putting too many "stop" signs too close together has a bad effect on traffic flow.

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Originally Posted by Immion View Post
As he strolled through the spiked gates, a group of trolls walked past him, two warriors with javelins and a gnarled old male leaning on a walking staff, his face hidden behind a large lacquered mask and wearing a harness with countless small pouches.
And another.
  • already delved into the vastness of the land that lay before them.
  • stretched from one horizon to the other, usual phrase
  • little more than a fortified outpost: a few watchtowers
  • Far Watch Post, as it was called,
  • It was the only centre of civilization
  • supplies, and even more importantly, to find out
  • mixture of fortress, office, and inn.
  • should the walls fall, lay the caravansary itself,
  • a four-story building of bone, stone, wood, and hide that contained
  • the caravan master's personal quarters.
  • "And they have every reason to be.
  • "Because the goods it carries are much-needed, and the warriors
  • warriors that guard it are few in number.
  • Narn nodded, and Kerag
  • sat down beside him, conjured a piece of dried meat from his pack, and started to chew
  • "I have thought about what you said," said Narn after a while and seeing his uncle's imploring gaze, he continued.
  • Maybe Gul'dan did not turn us into slavers; maybe he only made
  • doomed to repeat them; and don't succumb to them
  • Soon, he was soundly asleep,
  • It was strange, thought Kerag as he watched
  • eager to march into battle for the first time, alongside his father and uncle.
  • ready, fast and tough, skilled with his weapon of choice, and as courageous
  • he needed luck, and on that day, luck had not
  • Eventually, reinforcements had arrived and they had
  • Close to a shallow bog, he had finally found them.
  • filled with more sorrow and despair.
  • On that day, the world lost its colour.
  • watching the shadows dance on Narn's face,
  • but in this moment, he wished that he could.

As ironic as it might be, I'd say you succeeded at endowing an Orc with humanity. The tragic tale veered a bit closer to Deus Angst Machina than I would have liked, but it was plausible and avoided the temptation for Manly Tears. I feel for the guy. Good job.

Overall, excellent work. The pacing was spot-on (save for that "gap" while Kerag is inside), and the world felt like I could buy a ticket to go there. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you're improving on the "nitpick" issues as well. DarkAngel is pleased.
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  #27  
Old 08-04-2012, 09:21 AM
Immion Immion is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
This may be late in coming, but here it is.

More things getting lost in translation here, I think. Usually, it would be "gave the impression of/that" or "felt/seemed like/as." For some reason, "made a big impression" is the only use of that construction. I'd change to: "The outpost felt very crowded despite the small number of buildings."
Indeed. Nice interference error from my L1.

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Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
Just taught me a new word: caravansary
One I had to look up for myself, even the German equivalent. I think it sounds weird.

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Originally Posted by DarkAngel View Post
Deus Angst Machina
You just taught me something new .


As always, thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it.
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  #28  
Old 08-04-2012, 03:48 PM
C9H20 C9H20 is offline

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Immion View Post
One I had to look up for myself, even the German equivalent. I think it sounds weird.
It is of Turkic origin... I think. It must be of Islamic origin at least, because I saw it repeatedly in a novel dealing with Turkish dominance in the region.
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  #29  
Old 08-05-2012, 04:57 AM
Immion Immion is offline

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Originally Posted by C9H20 View Post
It is of Turkic origin... I think. It must be of Islamic origin at least, because I saw it repeatedly in a novel dealing with Turkish dominance in the region.
Quote:
1590s, "Eastern inn (with a large central court) catering to caravans," ultimately from Pers. karwan-sarai, from karwan (see caravan) + sara "palace, mansion, inn."
According to http://www.etymonline.com


So I guess your basically right. Explains nicely why I found it a bit strange/unusual. Thanks!
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