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Old 12-01-2015, 12:33 AM
Bolvar Bolvar is offline

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Default Bolvar Live-Blogs, Spoils, and Hurls Feces at Jessica Jones

I'm three episodes into this flaming turd on NetFlix, and I can't wait until the end of the series to talk about it.

Marvel has finally crapped the bed here, boys.

I say this as a lifelong fan, a man in middle age who is positively giddy with the current over-saturation of comic book entertainment in film and television right now.

I watch damned near anything and everything related to DC and Marvel comics, and I can't say I really hate any of it, or that any of it has been so bad I wanted to heap a dumptruck of cow dung on it.

But Jessica Jones is the MCU's Biff Tannen. I want to write a three-film epic around a punchline that dumps shit on this one.

Let me start by saying, I *loved* Daredevil. LOVED it. It was gritty, a little dark, a little edgy, and brought the genre down to a smaller level. No alien invasions, no vast government conspiracy, no global threat to humanity... just a guy trying to clean up one small neighborhood, and getting his ass handed to him along the way. Matt Murdock was brilliantly portrayed as a flawed, but generally righteous character, with a supporting cast that complimented him, and villains that were more grey than black.

I think it was groundbreaking. I think it paved the way for the much darker second season of Gotham (which is not as good, by the way, but points for trying, and it has been generally enjoyable), and when I heard Marvel and Netflix were following up with another small-scale effort, I was sure it was going to be a hit.

Part of me is glad I was wrong. Part of me is kind of happy to see them fuck something up for a change. It's a relief, really. I now know I'm not such a completely brainwashed fanboy that I'll enjoy anything Marvel makes without criticism. Sure, I've mocked the hell out of the Fantastic Four, but that wasn't really theirs. But they've gotta wear this Jessica Jones shitstain. It's all theirs. It's canon. It's 100% MCU.

And it sucks so bad.

I don't even know where to begin. As I said, I've finished three episodes. I'm going to post real-time reactions for the remaining ten as I watch them, but here's what I think so far:

1. Jessica Jones is a terrible person. No, I don't care that she has PTSD over the mind control. Grow a pair. Hawkeye got over it, so should you. Sorry, you're trying to be a *STRONG WOMAN*... no grading curve for having a vagin@ and not being able to deal with it. You're fucking awful, Jessica. You know why? Because you don't have your shit together. Like, not even remotely. You literally treat everyone around you like shit, and expect them to cut you a wide berth of understanding because, hey, you're a goddamned victim, and, in case they forget, you're going to break some expensive shit to remind them.

God, fuck you, Jessica.

On top of that, you're coping with having being made to kill someone by creeping on her widower husband.

OK. Fine, I get that. You have guilt. You need to see how your actions have harmed those she left behind. You need to make amends.

STOP JESSICA WHY ARE YOU FUCKING THE DEAD WOMAN'S HUSBAND???? Seriously... wait, OK, maybe you're just really drunk, and, yeah, you left in a hurry, and then... THE FUCK, JESSICA? YOU'RE BONING HIM AGAIN??? CAN YOU NOT??

This is literally the most awful thing I've ever seen a "hero" do. And, I mean, I'm including all of Spider-Man 3.

Jessica Jones is a horrible human being, and I hate that she's the lead on this show, because Daredevil proved that Marvel and Netflix aren't afraid to kill people off, and, god dammit, she's the one person I really want to see dead here...

2. Luke Cage is an idiot, and kind of a douche. Also, the writers are bad and should feel bad. You've literally written the black guy as the muscular, noble savage that exists as a sexual prop? All we know know about Cage is that he basically loves his bar and loves all the poon it gets him, and he'd much rather the poon not come with any drama attached, so he's happy to walk the minute the booty gets complicated.

Also, he's indestructible, and pretty strong, which basically would make him a good candidate for the Avengers, but he's really not interested at all in doing anything useful with his powers except selling selling booze and fucking bitches.

Man, the negro community must love this guy... what a role model. I mean, at least we get the impression that Jessica *tried* to be a hero at one point...

3. Kilgrave (is that the villain's name? I can't remember exactly...) is literally the most unimaginative villain I've ever seen. He literally has the sort of power that, in the hands of an actual malevolent person, would make him one of the richest and most influential men in the world.

So, what does he do with this fantastic ability to control minds?

Petty crime.

Seriously, the guy essential gets himself free shit and free poon with his mind control powers. That's all. That's what he does. He's literally no more a threat to society than your average gang banger, because he has zero ambition.

I mean, I'd be the CEO of about 14 corporations inside of a week with that kind of power. I'd have enough money and influence within a year to be utterly untouchable by any government in the world. What the fuck is this guy doing with his life? Squatting in a nice apartment and stealing cable television so he can watch fucking soccer and creep on his ex girlfriend?

Jesus Christ you are a disappointment, you stupid British cunt.

4. Trinity has gotten old. But she's pretty good as the bitchy dyke lawyer. The one actress with any chops probably does the best job here, and, kudos for getting this one right - yes, gay people can have shitty marriages and relationships and be goddamned awful to each other. Thank you for no longer projecting this fantasy in popular media that homosexuality means your relationships are perfect as long as those pesky Christians would just leave you alone.

She's awful, but in a good way, because, hey, big-shot lawyers are fucking awful. I can believe that she's a selfish, cutthroat bitch. So, well done, I guess...

5. Radio girl is stupid, and predictably so. Probably gonna end up dead.

6. Cop guy is the only "good" guy on the show. Which means he's also probably doomed.

In short, the "grittiness" of the show is lame, and the "mature" scenes are gratuitous and completely forced.

Seriously, Jessica, stop fucking the widower of the gal you killed. That is so fucked up...
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Old 12-01-2015, 12:55 AM
Omacron Omacron is offline


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To think in an alternate universe we would've had an Iron Fist and Power Man show instead of this. I think there were rumblings about the old spice guy being Luke Cage originally.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:01 AM
Bolvar Bolvar is offline

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To think in an alternate universe we would've had an Iron Fist and Power Man show instead of this. I think there were rumblings about the old spice guy being Luke Cage originally.
Which Old Spice guy? Terry Crews, or the other one?

Either way, the problem isn't the actor, it's the writing, at least for that particular character.

Iron Fist could have been so good...
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:05 AM
Ganishka Ganishka is offline

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That Kilgrave guy is the most pathetic sounding thing I have ever heard of. Ever since I was fucking five, I have had that (not so) secret wish to rule over a massive, world-hungering Empire using dark sorcery forbidden by the gods of old before the beginning of time, and make a giant, treasure-filled, underground palace spread under the entirety of a large continent! If you are going to go into the "evil" business, go big or go home! If five-year-old me could think of something grandiose like that, why can't someone with actual superpowers in a setting do something just a nasty or greedy? Where's the creativity?

Say what you want about Griffith/Femto, at least that pretty boy has his goals in order! First rule the world, THEN get bitches! Oh, and since the hero is barely a threat, and is more focused on his own survival and saving his lover than fighting you, just ignore him, don't focus on him or deliberately get in his way (aside from that whole "Eclipse" thing, of course), and take over the world! And he got a sweet, overly pretty castle, to boot!



Kilgrave could set himself up as the next Messiah, or a Pope, or the next Stalin or Hitler, or just delete the entirety of New York stock exchange and cause a worldwide economic collapse... Yet he robs banks? That is just so fucking lazy! That is just the stupidest motherfucking thing I have ever heard, and I have heard a lot.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:11 AM
Bolvar Bolvar is offline

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That Kilgrave guy is the most pathetic sounding thing I have ever heard of. Ever since I was fucking five, I have had that (not so) secret wish to rule over a massive, world-hungering Empire using dark sorcery forbidden by the gods of old before the beginning of time, and make a giant, treasure-filled, underground palace spread under the entirety of a large continent! If you are going to go into the "evil" business, go big or go home!

Kilgrave could set himself up as the next Messiah, or a Pope, or the next Stalin or Hitler, or just delete the entirety of New York stock exchange and cause a worldwide economic collapse... Yet he robs banks? That is just the stupidest motherfucking thing I have ever heard, I have heard a lot.
Actually, three episodes in, and I'm not sure he's even done anything as ambitious as rob a bank.

Other than talking a man out of his kidneys, the most valuable thing I've seen him actually steal is an expensive jacket.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:18 AM
ARM3481 ARM3481 is offline

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How exactly does one do those things when the effects of his power are extremely range-limited and only last about ten hours before needing to be "renewed"?

He has to keep the trail of victims sparse, low-profile and limited to gratifying small-time desires because within a day of being controlled they're a potential threat of exposure.


Spoiler-tagged it, but yeah, that stuff wouldn't really be feasible given the specific nature of his powers.

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Old 12-01-2015, 01:20 AM
Ganishka Ganishka is offline

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Actually, three episodes in, and I'm not sure he's even done anything as ambitious as rob a bank.

Other than talking a man out of his kidneys, the most valuable thing I've seen him actually steal is an expensive jacket.

... Please tell me you're joking... A FUCKING JACKET?! At least tell me it was one of those cool SS leather jackets, or one made of extremely expensive baby seal fur, or something! He could get those same results if he just took out a pocket knife or a gun!
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:20 AM
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How exactly does one do those things when the effects of his power are extremely range-limited and only last about ten hours before needing to be "renewed"?
Not for nothing but L. Ron Hubbard started a cult and he didn't even have mind altering superpowers.


Look all I'm saying is give me mind control powers and by Easter I could probably be in charge of a religion that's at least more important and influential than say, Mormonism.

I've been watching the Leftovers which is all about cults and "maybe" magic powers. If only they applied some of that universe's logic to this world.

Actually, honestly, I'd love for a plot point in a future Avengers or Thor movie to have a resurgence of Germanic Paganism due to Asgard's influence.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:24 AM
Ganishka Ganishka is offline

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How exactly does one do those things when the effects of his power are extremely range-limited and only last about ten hours before needing to be "renewed"?

He has to keep the trail of victims sparse, low-profile and limited to gratifying small-time desires because within a day of being controlled they're a potential threat of exposure.


Spoiler-tagged it, but yeah, that stuff wouldn't really be feasible given the specific nature of his powers.
Easy fix to that: just have him mind-control some super rich guy, have him write him into their will for their full inheritance, and then make them off themselves! There, instant rich!
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:25 AM
ARM3481 ARM3481 is offline

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Easy fix to that: just have him mind-control some super rich guy, have him write him into their will for their full inheritance, and then make them off themselves! There, instant rich!
And what do you do with every person that rich guy ever knew who would wonder why he did that?
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:28 AM
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And what do you do with every person that rich guy ever knew who would wonder why he did that?
It's not illegal to join a cult yo.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:33 AM
Ganishka Ganishka is offline

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And what do you do with every person that rich guy ever knew who would wonder why he did that?
They would all "conveniently" swallow some rat poison, or find their child murdered by their own hands, or wake up in jail after committing a "random" school shooting!

He's got ten hours! He has all the time in the world to make those problems take care of themselves!
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:34 AM
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They would all "conveniently" swallow some rat poison, or find their child murdered by their own hands, or wake up in jail after committing a "random" school shooting!

He's got ten hours! He has all the time in the world to make those problems take care of themselves!
With a few million in cash and mind control powers I could get my way to some country without an extradition treaty to the US, too.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:36 AM
Ganishka Ganishka is offline

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With a few million in cash and mind control powers I could get my way to some country without an extradition treaty to the US, too.
Switzerland is great for that!

Speaking of countries, I would make Castro or the Ayatollah of Iran, or some other leader of a totalitarian state to kill themselves if I had those powers, just to watch their countries buuurrrnnnn!

Or, or! They could make him into an SJW who uses his powers to force everyone to adhere to his standards of "tolerance"!
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:52 AM
Bolvar Bolvar is offline

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Originally Posted by ARM3481 View Post
How exactly does one do those things when the effects of his power are extremely range-limited and only last about ten hours before needing to be "renewed"?

He has to keep the trail of victims sparse, low-profile and limited to gratifying small-time desires because within a day of being controlled they're a potential threat of exposure.


Spoiler-tagged it, but yeah, that stuff wouldn't really be feasible given the specific nature of his powers.
You can literally cover it up any way you like.

You can have a cop do something dirty for you, then walk himself off a building... so, how difficult would it really be to acquire wealth, position, and influence in short order? The minute someone snoops around, they have an accident, or become suicidal, or some lunatic snaps and shoots them in an elevator...

I just don't see how the stuff he's doing wouldn't get completely boring after about six months. You'd almost have to aspire to something greater just to keep it interesting.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:52 AM
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Not for nothing but L. Ron Hubbard started a cult and he didn't even have mind altering superpowers.


Look all I'm saying is give me mind control powers and by Easter I could probably be in charge of a religion that's at least more important and influential than say, Mormonism.

I've been watching the Leftovers which is all about cults and "maybe" magic powers. If only they applied some of that universe's logic to this world.

Actually, honestly, I'd love for a plot point in a future Avengers or Thor movie to have a resurgence of Germanic Paganism due to Asgard's influence.
You`d need to easter? hell, id be done by feb.
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Old 12-01-2015, 02:02 AM
Ragnahar Ragnahar is offline

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Killgrave was the only decent thing in this entire show, but I think most of that is David Tennant being who he is. (Amazing)

Jessica Jones is fucking retarded as shit, the whole show is fucking dumb.

But speaking of Iron Fist, isn't that one of the next Netflix shows coming?
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Old 12-01-2015, 04:14 AM
Ruinshin Ruinshin is offline

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Her not being a good person is half the point.

She wasn't a good person BEFORE her PTSD.
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Old 12-01-2015, 04:33 AM
Ragnahar Ragnahar is offline

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Her not being a good person is half the point.

She wasn't a good person BEFORE her PTSD.
I think her not being a good person is okay, the absolute shitty writing is not okay.

Seriously dude.

Hippy girl smack on the head, knocked out half a day.

Next episode, hit by a fucking truck, walk that shit off.
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:42 AM
SmokeBlader SmokeBlader is offline

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Watch Supergirl.
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:56 AM
Hammerbrew Hammerbrew is offline

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>Twilight screenwriter
>Dr Who actor
>interracial
>evil or useless white males

This has to be the most Tumblr show in history.
I hate to agree with /tv/ but, yeah.

Absolute garbage.
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Old 12-01-2015, 07:41 AM
Anansi Anansi is offline

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That Kilgrave guy is the most pathetic sounding thing I have ever heard of. Ever since I was fucking five, I have had that (not so) secret wish to rule over a massive, world-hungering Empire using dark sorcery forbidden by the gods of old before the beginning of time, and make a giant, treasure-filled, underground palace spread under the entirety of a large continent! If you are going to go into the "evil" business, go big or go home! If five-year-old me could think of something grandiose like that, why can't someone with actual superpowers in a setting do something just a nasty or greedy? Where's the creativity?
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Old 12-01-2015, 07:55 AM
Yaskaleh Yaskaleh is offline

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I hate to agree with /tv/ but, yeah.

Absolute garbage.
Sounds like the worst kind of garbage except for Tennant. I quite like him.
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Old 12-01-2015, 08:00 AM
GenyaArikado GenyaArikado is offline

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I dont watch it but

1- I'd totally go for the bbc

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Easy fix to that: just have him mind-control some super rich guy, have him write him into their will for their full inheritance, and then make them off themselves! There, instant rich!
2-yeah because that wouldnt be suspicious at all
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Old 12-01-2015, 08:17 AM
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I loved it. It was entertaining to see flawed characters for once, and a villain who managed to fuck up with the protagonist so bad in the MCU. Who cares if he could have dominated the world? Why do you assume that's what he wants? That's not the point of the character in this story and it was clearly demonstrated through each episode.
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